Saturday, June 16, 2012

Father's Day Battle: Dreams VS. Reality

Today is one of the days that I dread each year as I have the last 8. It never gets easier. It is full of lots of emotion, memories, gratitude, pain, and love.  My emotions battle with each other. 

My dreams still wish him here. To answer all my questions, to pester me, to love on his sweet grand-daughter, to let me know that I am doing okay. To tell me he loves me each and every day, to go scuba diving in Catalina, to help me through school. To help me unfold my future, to meet the man that I will one day marry. To call each night as he did with his own parents. To bring out my inner child, to start water fights. To teach me how to make his peach cobbler, for summer BBQ's. To remind me that I am an example to people that look up to me. To remind me that I will always be his sunshine. To teach me that the worth of a man is determined by what he can do for those that can do nothing in return, and that forgiveness is one of the most important lessons you can learn. 

In reality, he is not here and I have to be reminded of that every day. And that hurts. On Father's day it hurts even more. But I have to celebrate because I have been blessed with an amazing man that never oversteps his role as my "other dad" He loves me like I am his own. He loves my Mama the way she deserves to be loved. He always knows just what to say to push me a little further, to see things a little clearer, and to believe in myself a little bit more. He teaches me that if I want something different I have to do something different. He is self-less, loyal, and hard-working. Everything a person could want in a father- whether biologically or not. He is nothing like my dad, except that he is an equally amazing father. I wouldn't trade him for any other "other dad" in the world.

It is a confusing, difficult, overwhelming amount of emotion. 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


For no good reason.

Maybe its because you seem so happy
Maybe its because I miss you so intensely that it physically hurts
Maybe its because little has seemed right since you left
Maybe its because I know I will never hear your voice again
Maybe its because I can't change what is
Maybe its because I can't change what is not
Maybe its because I have lost hope
Maybe its because I am just impatient
Maybe its because I know now what I blatantly ignored before
Maybe its because I am weak
Maybe its because it isn't time
Maybe its because I made the wrong choice
Maybe its because I missed my mark
Maybe its because I am so confused
Maybe its because everyone has the one thing I want most
Maybe its because I'm a pessimist
Maybe its because I'm a realist
Maybe its because I expect to much
Maybe its because I just don't get it
But then again maybe not

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Monday, October 3, 2011


Almost 3 weeks ago, one of our biggest fears became a reality when my sweet niece Olivia, who has a rare chromosome disorder which makes her susceptible to eye tumors, was diagnosed with retinoblastoma (eye cancer). Last week she had her left eye removed. We are waiting for her pathology report to come back to find out if the cancer has spread and whether or not chemo is going to be in her future.

These last few weeks have been full of tears, sadness, anger, hope, faith, generosity, excitement, gratitude, and peace.

To watch this little girl take on a single day is inspiring. Only 4 days after a surgery that has forever changed her life and she is back to the same old Liv. She is HAPPY. She is SILLY. She is full of energy and LIFE.
This journey is far from over, but I KNOW that this is how she will be through whatever lies ahead. She is STRONG and she is bravBRAVE. It is just WHO SHE IS.

You can follow her journey through her blog 13 pavements
there is also a blog for donations and the fundraisers that have been set up on Love 4 Livi

Little Squish, you are brave, and you are smart. You inspire all who know you and know your story. You will triumph and you will touch many lives. You bring happiness into my life and to everyone around you. I love you more than you know. You have an AMAZING mother. At such a young age, I can already see that you have many of her qualities. You couldn't have been blessed with better parents. You will get through this journey together. Thank you for being such an inspiration. I love you baby girl.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

My Mama

Our Mom is pretty great. And sometimes I take her for granted.
I love her more than she knows. I miss her more than she realizes.
I become more and more grateful for her and the example that she is everyday.
"I will love you for ever, I will like you for always.
As long as I am living my Mama you'll be."

Thursday, April 29, 2010


I don't know what it is.
Maybe its the weather
Maybe its this place
it could be several things.

I wish the fog would clear itself, but I don't think it will.

I have been surrounded by it for too long now.
It's heavy and it makes me tired.
It makes me blue.
Maybe it is here to stay for good.
I hope not.

It makes me miss you and that is never good.
I don't know how to rid myself of this fog
so for now I will just believe it will go.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010