Friday, October 16, 2009

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I have a list

25 does not sound appealing. Not right now anyway.
I don't feel ready. Good thing I have a year.
But a year will go by FAST.

There are things you are "supposed" to do by the time you are 25.
I haven't done them.

Yes, I have "done" things, but I haven't accomplished much. Not the things that are important.
I don't have complete control.
I don't like that.
So I made a list.

A list of things that I want to complete by 25.
You might say some things on this list are "not important" but they are things I feel are necessary.

What's on this list?
Well, you will have to wait until I report on each of the items as they are completed.

Wish me luck!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Miss Livi is here!

a week late but...

Miss Olivia Jane was born on August 30, 2009 at 2:42 AM
Weighing in at only 8 lbs. 1 oz.
(pretty average size but tiny when you are expecting a good 9 or 10 pounder)
and 21 inches long.

Her parents couldn't be more blessed.
She couldn't be more beautiful.
She couldn't be any more perfect.

We couldn't be any more excited!
This little girl couldn't be any more loved!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

This man...

brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. He has been on my mind a lot lately. He is struggling and he is in pain. I hate the thought of what he is going through. I hate the C word and I hate that it keeps coming back to torture our family. It is ugly. It is mean. It is not fair.

This man is a fighter and I hope he will keep fighting. He is an important piece to our family puzzle. He makes time spent together that much better. His love for life and adventure is infectious. He has been counting down the days for Leslie to be better so he can go on another cruise. I hope that it does not have to be postponed for long.

This man is the most gentle, hard working, simple, and loving man I have ever known. He defines the phrase Hark worker, it shows on his strong and gentle hands. He delights in many small things that often would go unnoticed. He could stand outside for hours just looking at his beautiful garden, watch as the water is pumped onto his green grass, or enjoying every bite of his cinnamon roll.

I love this man and I am so grateful for the ways I have seen him grow and open up as our grandpa. I love sitting next to him holding his hand as we watch all that is going on around us. And I always look forward to hugging him and hearing him say the words "I love you Hay bug".

I love you Gramps and we are all fighting with you and for you! See you soon!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


You break a mirror into a million tiny little pieces
and manage to piece it all back together
will it ever be the same?

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Team 50

There was no better way to celebrate Lester's 50th Birthday
to celebrate her strength, courage, and hope than at the Relay for Life.

There was so much excitement in the 3 weeks of preparation for this party.
And with the help of many of her closest family and friends it was a HUGE success.
There were times that we were certain she knew that something was going on...

But as she rounded the corner and saw over 100 black t-shirts waiting to wish her a happy birthday it was clear that it was indeed a surprise.

Grandpa met Leslie with open arms and together they finished the Survivor lap.

at 11:45 PM Team 50 got on our party hats and walked the Birthday Lap.

I had never participated in Relay for Life and it exceeded all expectations.
It was one of the best experiences I have ever had.
It was happy, peaceful, exciting, you could feel the strength from all the people there showing love and support for their loved ones in the battle. It was devastating to see how many lives in one small community are effected by this ugly thing. It was great to see everyone come together.

Leslie deserved to have a great day and I think that is what she got.
She needed to see just how many people are fighting with her, who love her and believe in her.
No one is more loved or more deserving.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Friends, the Fourth and Fireworks

I had a great time in LA, celebrating birthdays and Independence, playing like children and eating great food, laughing and reminiscing, watching the sunset and fireworks, sailing and pirate names, sun burn and sunscreen, eating frozen yogurt and funnel cake, ski ball and face painting.

The first night was the big surprise. We had planned to keep my visit there a secret since I was coming the day of Amy's birthday. We thought it would be fun to have me show up to dinner without her knowing I was coming. That morning she decided she would just meet Tiffany for frozen yogurt early before heading to have dinner and spend the evening with her family. We called to let her dad in our plan and it all went down hill from there. After too much confusion and frustration we opted to drive to her dad's house to surprise her and it ended up working out alright. Amy was surprised.

We started her "27th" birthday celebration with dinner at Buca di Beppo in Santa Monica.
After dinner we headed down to the pier for a little ski ball and funnel cake.

The next day we headed to Hermosa Beach for a day in the sun.
We didn't let the lack of sunshine stop us from having a good time.
We swam, did crosswords, flew kites and made sand"castles".
We were glad we had taken a picture of our sand castle because not 5 minutes after stepping away we watched in horror as a little 5 year old stomped it to the ground.
Sad Day!

These are the sweet shells Amy received in her Bag O' Fun.

We woke up bright and early to head to the 4th of July parade in Huntington Beach.
It was a beautiful day. The parade consisted of a billion boy scouts, brave men and women that fight for our country and lots of marching bands.

After the parade ended we headed down to find some good eats and then took a nap on the beach before heading up to Marina Del Rey to go sailing.

Sailing was everything we hoped it to be and more. It was the perfect way to end a beautiful day. James took 10 girls out on the water all by himself. He was more nervous than we were. We BBQ'd steak and watched the sunset on the water and then tried to keep warm as we waited for the fireworks to start.

It was worth the wait. I have never seen a more beautiful fireworks show.

Cheers to a perfect 4th of July!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Fathers Day...

to all the fathers in my life.

I have been blessed with great men in my life. Men that I know I was meant to learn and grow from. To have around at the times when my own Dad wasn't around.

The bishops of my singles wards, such great men. Bishop Brown, Bishop Lamereaux and Bishop Eastland- are some of the greatest men I know. They are inspired. They are uplifting and knew what I needed and just how to say it. I have been blessed by their example and their love. Happy Father's Day!

EJ Corry, Allen Olsen, and Brian Seitzinger- other "dads" that have been there for me, setting great examples, welcoming me into their homes, and giving me blessings and guidance when I needed it most. Happy Father's Day.

Dan. I couldn't have picked a greater man to walk with us, to love us and to care for us just as my own Dad would have done. He gives unselfishly, wants nothing but happiness for us. He wants to make our dreams a reality, for us to believe in ourselves, and to love ourselves and get everything we deserve.

Happy Father's Day!

My Dad. I still miss you. I am so grateful that I got you for my Dad. Even though it was only for a short while. I am who I am because of you. I am better because of you. I am grateful for your example and that I am not a daughter of a father who's love I have to question. I KNOW you loved me and my sisters more than anything. But I hate that you are gone. My heart aches for you. To feel your arms wrap tightly around me. To hold your big hard working hands. To see your big wide smile across your face every time you saw one of your girls, a little baby or a sweet old lady. To hear your voice belting out songs about bull-legged women. To fall asleep in your arms. To hear you snoring. To hear you say "I love you" just one more time. I need you.

Happy Father's Day!

Thursday, June 11, 2009


"The Lord's way is not hard. Life is hard, not the gospel. 'There is an opposition in all things' (2 Nephi 2:11), everywhere, for everyone. Life is hard for all of us, but life is also simple. We have only two choices (see Moroni 7:15–17). We can either follow the Lord and be endowed with His power and have peace, light, strength, knowledge, confidence, love, and joy, or we can go some other way, any other way, whatever other way, and go it alone—without His support, without His power, without guidance, in darkness, turmoil, doubt, grief, and despair. And I ask, which way is easier?"

Lawrence E. Corbridge, "The Way," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 36

Sunday, June 7, 2009

My summer playlist

Kings of Leon


Mat Kearney

Matt Nathanson

Tegan and Sara

Dave Matthews Band

Shinedown-Second Chance

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Jodi Picoult

I did something I don't do very often.

I read a book. From start to finish. My sisters might joke that I don't know how to read.

Might not seem that big of an accomplishment but it is. And I loved it. Although I come from long line of readers, somehow I missed out on that trait.

The only book I actually read all the way through as a school assignment was The Client. Since high school I can probably count all the books I have read on 2 hands.

Reading just isn't my thing. Once in a while I will "crave" a good book so I will find something to read and I will start. I get easily distracted by other things going on around me or the thoughts in my head. Sometimes I get bored and skip to the next page. Often I don't make it to the last page.

I read the Twilight series. The first book was a breeze, I finished the 2nd but I struggled to make it through 3 and 4 and I loved the books and characters. But I struggled.

I have seen previews for My Sisters Keeper that comes out in a couple weeks. I remembered seeing the book while browsing Barnes and Noble.

I decided I wanted to read the book before the movie came out. LOVED IT! I read every work on every page. Jodi Picoult is a great writer. My Sisters Keeper is a great book. And I cant wait to see the movie although, I anticipate that it will not be as good as the book was.

I like books that are real. Ones that make you question yourself and your beliefs; Make you wonder what you would do in that situation and open your eyes to issues that are going on in the world. Picoult writes about a lot of different social issues (genetic engineering, suicide, rape, the death penalty, school shootings, wrongful birth, etc.) Her books are heavy, difficult and captivating. I picked up my 2nd book of hers The Pact I hope this one is as good as the last.

Sunday, May 24, 2009


I am grateful for those brave soldiers who have sacrificed so much. I am grateful that my Great-Grandma Jensen was an example of a patriot. She loved her country and what it meant to be an American.

Today Americans across this great country will join together in remembering those American warriors—throughout our storied history—who gave their lives in defense of freedom. From the blood-soaked beaches of France to the bombed-out back-alleys of Fallujah, the American G.I. has fought—and died—opposing that which is evil and oppressive, and defending all things good and free.

Memorial Day is about one thing: remembering the fallen on the battlefield and passing their collective story to the next generation. These stories, and the men who bear them, are the backbone of this American experiment and must never be forgotten.

And this day, with America still at war, it is also fitting that we remember the soldiers currently serving in harms way. Because just one moment, one explosion, or one bullet separates Veterans Day from Memorial Day. Soldiers currently in Iraq and Afghanistan are fighting for our freedoms today, knowing it’s possible they may never see tomorrow. These troops—and their mission—deserve our support each day, and our prayers every night. May God watch over them—and their families; May He give them courage in the face of fear, and righteous might in the face of evil.

There are no words that can truly commemorate the heroism of these men. But one voice, in my opinion, comes closer than any other. During the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln had this to say about the men who had fought and died at the battle of Gettysburg.
“We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Almost 150 years later, the words of Lincoln still resonate. But it doesn’t take being Commander-in-Chief to honor the fallen. This Memorial Day, I hope you remember the brave men and women that have heroically served this nation, and perished on the battlefield. It is the duty of every American to ensure that they are never forgotten.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

Thomas S. Monson, "Finding Joy in the Journey," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 85

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


i have been back half a year. and i miss it like you wouldn't believe. when i was there i missed home. but i came home to find that "home" was different than i remembered it. my home moved 285 miles. its not the same. i am glad to be back with my family but it's not the "home" i missed. i didn't miss the house. i missed belonging, familiarity and having loved ones at hand. there is a different feeling here. i don't know my place in this town. 5 streets are starting to become familiar but beyond that is unknown. i am "home" yet i am still missing...

i miss living on the 3rd floor of barrington plaza. i miss being greeted by beltus-my crazy stalker/doorman each night. i miss my 4/5 roommates. i miss late night chats with some of my favorite girls. i miss our girl talk and learning from each others experience. i miss smelling floyd and frederick as i walked in the door. i miss our dirty carpet. i miss sleeping across from collette and (brianne, tiffany, doris, suzy, etc). i miss getting ready for church on sunday mornings with my church music blasting through the wall to our non-member neighbors. i miss the boys upstairs. and k-ball, greg and vic. i miss the ward out there. i miss bishop eastland. i miss l-z relief society. i miss the friends i made in that ward. i miss tiff, mehgan and kelly, lise and hannah. i miss riding the metro. i miss the array of smells on the bus. i miss running up to the bus as it pulled away. i miss cms. i miss the crazy people i worked with. i miss the talented people i got to meet and be influenced by. i miss sharing an office with leonard. i miss doing makeup.

i could go on for hours listing the things i miss. each thing i think of brings up something else. there is so much there that i will never have here. i can't wait to go back and visit. i can't wait to see those girls. i can't wait. hopefully i won't have to wait too long.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My Bucket List

Learn to whistle
Become fluent in another language
Buy a 'round the world ticket' to see the world
Travel with a humanitarian aide organization
Work in an orphanage
Dive with a Whale Shark

Step foot on every continent
Ride a horse on the beach
Adopt a child
Drive a car on the wrong side of the road
Ride a camel
See a Zebra in the wild

Run a marathon
Save a life
Attend major sporting event (Superbowl, Olympics (not in Utah), etc)
Paint a portrait to hang on my wall
Swim with Dolphins
Be in the audience of Ellen
Cross a glacier on foot
Learn to play a musical instrument with some degree of skill
Grow a garden
Find a charity that I am truly passionate about and get involved
Scuba in the Great Barrier Reef
Go deep sea fishing
Learn to make sushi
Illustration for a childrens book
Fly a plane
Learn to Surf
Visit 7 wonders of the world

Ride something bigger than a horse
Visit a real blues bar in Chicago
Buy a boat
Learn to sail
Travel India by train
Bathe in the Ganges
Photograph an endangered species
Travel the Pacific Coast Highway by motorcycle
Experience Love Parade in Berlin
Make a difference

Win the lottery to make all this happen!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Coincidence or an answer?

Do Not Take Counsel from Your Fears

"I urge you to not take counsel of your fears. I hope you will not say, 'I'm not smart enough to study chemical engineering; hence, I'll study something less strenuous.' 'I can't apply myself sufficiently well to study this difficult subject or in this comprehensive field; hence, I'll choose the easier way.' I plead with you to choose the hard way and tax your talents. Our Heavenly Father will make you equal to your tasks. If one should stumble, if one should take a course and get less than the 'A' grade desired, I hope such a one will not let it become a discouraging thing to him. I hope that he will rise and try again."

Thomas S. Monson, "Decisions Determine Destiny," New Era, Nov. 1979, 8

Friday, March 20, 2009

Not very often...

but once in a while, I get angry.

Today is one of those days.

I am mad that I have been robbed of someone that can't be replaced.
I am angry that I have to wait a lifetime to be with him again.

I am angry cause I didn't get to say goodbye,
I am angry that he didn't tell me goodbye.

I am angry that I don't remember the last conversation we had.
The last conversation that I do remember having was a few days before, I think it was his birthday. He had just went to see Passion of the Christ. He didn't like the movie. "It was difficult to watch". We talked about the atonement.
He said he missed me and he loved me. That is the last conversation I remember vividly.

I didn't get to talk to him that last Saturday. I was working all day. He called once while I was at work and didn't leave a message. I wish he would have.

I am angry at Kristie for the way she has chosen to handle or rather not handle things since he left.
I am angry that it is "too painful for her".

I am angry that we spent that last few years so far apart.

I am angry because I felt cheated cause he missed my volleyball games, he didn't get to know my friends in high school or dance the "father daughter dance" at my junior prom.

I won't ever get a father daughter dance.

But I am really angry about the things that he is going to miss out on.

I am angry that I won't get to introduce him to the man I marry.
I am angry that he won't be there to threaten him when he asks me to be his wife.

I am angry that I won't get to call him when I find out I am pregnant with my first child.
I won't get to see he hold my babies and look at their toes.

I am angry that I won't get to watch him get old.
That he didn't get to live a full life and that was his choice.
I am angry that he was sick, and couldn't control his actions.

I hate that this "happened for a reason"
and that "this is the way things were suppose to end up".

I am angry that he loved us enough much to leave us.

I am angry because anger is part of the "process"
Why is this the first time in 5 years that I have felt this kind of anger?

I hate that I can't have all the answers now.

I have no problem talking about my dad to others, but I am angry that it is so painful to talk about him to the ones that share the pain.
I am angry that the only way I feel I can release all this anger right now is on the World Wide Web.

I am angry that love can cause so much pain.
I am angry that this pain is real.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Saturday, March 13th 2004

It's been 5 years.
Some days it feels like yesterday
Other days it feels like forever.

I remember that day all too clearly:

I was working at the Art Center still and we had a huge event that night. We had made 600 ham, turkey and roast beef sandwiches, 600 eclairs and 600 slices of cheesecake topped with cherries, raspberries, and blueberries. I was excited for this reception. The flowers were beautiful, and so was the grooms little brother.

I had just been on break with dani, kelsey, and maybe 2 other girls whose names I have forgotten.
I was wearing the "scream" tie. It matched my eyeshadow.

Carol and Steve were getting ready to leave. They were nervous that there wasn't enough food.

I looked at my phone and it was 7:24. Reception was to start in 6 minutes and people were already lining up. Instantly my stomach was in knots and I felt queasy and my head was spinning. Carol knew right away I wasn't feeling well and told me to go home.

I had been fine all day and wasn't sure why I suddenly felt so horrible. I hesitated to leave knowing the crowd that would be flooding the doors that night. I didn't want to leave them shorthanded, but Carol insisted. That is so not like Carol. I helped them get everything out and ready grabbed my stuff and left.

I decided to drive to Michelle's until I felt a little better. I text Jen and Kelly to see what they were up to. They were going to see "Secret Window" with Johnny Depp. I agreed to go. They said they would come meet me a
t Michelle's.

Katie had just gotten home from St. George so I gave her a call. She answered the phone and I knew immediately something was up. I asked her what was wrong and she insisted nothing was wrong, but I knew that wasn't true. She kept asking when I was coming home. I told her to tell me what was wrong. She asked where I was and if I was alone. Steph and her friend were there. She said she would tell me when I got home but I insisted she tell me right now. She choked up and barely got the words out of her mouth.

My heart sunk deep into my chest and I lost it. I dropped the phone on the kitchen floor and fell to my knees. I picked the phone up and handed it to Steph. I don't know what Katie told her. I could tell Steph and Aubrey were horrified. I got up and started wondering around. I didn't know what to do. I saw headlights pull into the driveway. I went outside and they saw I wasn't okay. Jen got out of the car and I fell to the ground. She just held me. I was so glad she was there. She understood the feelings I was having better than anyone I knew. They got me into their car and we headed to our apartment in Orem to be with Katie.

I sat with Katie while she made some other hard phone calls. Katie was so strong. She was there to comfort me and make me feel better when she was feeling the same things. She helped me find reasons to smile. I am so glad we were able to be together that night. The rest of the night and the many days that followed are a blur. It felt like a really long, bad dream and we were just wa
iting for it to end. Minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days.

Before that day I didn't know what it felt like to miss someone. I knew what it felt like to lose someone. I left all my friends just 4 years before that. I had grand parents that had passed on, but I had never felt a pain like that.

Every time March 13th comes around, I feel like "this year the pain will lessen".

But it doesn't.

Instead, I am overwhelmed by the things he is missing out on. Things that I won't get to share with him, physically. I know he is still here with me all the time, but it's not the same.

It will never be the same.

I try to recall all the memories. But so many of them don't come back to me. I wish I had payed more attention. I wished I had written in a journal. I wish I hadn't been so wrapped up in my life to care more about my family and remember the small things.

But I have lots of great memories, and everyday I see little reminders of him everywhere I go. We have lots of pictures that remind me.

I think of you everyday dad,
your big gentle hands, and the way you smelled.
I think of your laugh and how your eyes twinkled when you'd smile.
I think of your bald head and the way it dripped with sweat.
I think of the songs you'd sing as you'd cook holey-eggs while dancing in the kitchen.
The way you'd shake your glass of ice when you needed more water.
I think of you tying your shoes with your foot propped on your knee so the knot was always to the side.
I think of the way you loved to help people.
The way I would fall asleep in your arms nearly every night until I was at least 12.
You never passed a vehicle on the side of the road without stopping.
You always helped old women to their car when their legs weren't strong enough to carry them.
You held almost every baby in sight. And always made friends with the little kids sitting next to us in a restaurant.

You took pride in going over and cutting Grandma's toenails.
I don't think one night went by, ever, without calling to tell your parents goodnight.

I miss you more than you know and I am grateful for the example that you were.
So much of who I am is because of you.

I love you forever, I like you for always,
As long as I'm living my hero you'll be.

53: Just the way he'd want it

3 sleezas all together, happy and celebrating.

And what birthday is complete without a little cake...

in the face?

Round 2:

That is just how Dad would have ended any birthday party.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Happy 53rd B-day Daddy!

Bear Hugs and Baby Toes

Whenever I see
a mischievious grin,
twinkling eyes
or tiny baby toes-

Whenever I hear
a belly-busting-laugh,
a silly joke,
a child's laugh or cry-

Whenever I get
a big bear hug,
a kiss on the cheek,
or a squeeze-till-it-hurts-

Whenever it's March,
or even Springtime,
a birthday party,
or Happy Easter-

Whenever I drink
a glass of ice water,
open a bottle of mustard,
or put on a bandanna-

Whenever I see
a Batman in ink,
a beautiful girl
in a hardware store-

Whenever I hear
a song from an angel,
giggles from tickles,
or a laugh-until-you-cry,

Whenever I feel
the sincerity of a kind heart,
or soft hands that know
just where to snip-

I fondly remember
sentimental and tender,
fun-loving Matt-

Now and forever
a protector, a guardian,
an angel armed
with bullhorn, taser and siren-

Watching over his precious
amazing and beautiful,
ever courageous,
Katie, Julie and Haley.

Written by Aunt Michelle

Happy Birthday Dad. We miss you more than ever
and wish you were here to celebrate with us.
Love you forever and always,
Your "sun-shine"

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I feel like my life the last 5 months has been much like TV static.
It's like I was watching a really good show and right when it gets to the best part...

And nothing.

It's annoying, and strangely captivating
I keep watching, hoping for it to change but the longer I watch,
the dizzier I get.

It gives me a headache, makes me a little sick to my stomach

the sound is a boring chaos.

Monday, March 2, 2009

March Madness

It's March. March is a hard month.
It is a good month but a hard month.

This is the month that I am ever so grateful for sisters.
They are always there when it really counts.

To share the laughter, the pain, the tears, the memories, the frustration, the love,
and the silence of unanswered questions.

They are my strength, my support, and my best friends.
They know me better than I know myself. I don't have to ex
plain things to them.
I don't ever have to ask them, they just know.

I am grateful I don't have to experience March on my own.

She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child. ~Barbara Alpert

And miss you everyday!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Good Things Will Come

There are days when you wish you could just call someone on the phone and have them tell you exactly what you want to hear, just the right thing to calm your fears, gives you hope, puts the light back in your eye, and makes everything seem okay. It's not always that easy, at least for me. When I find myself in that place I usually will not call, instead I wait it out by myself or tell myself to get over it, I'm fine.

Today was one of those days. Nothing happened to put me in this place, but a combination of recent things just got to be too much. It is hard being in this place, a place that used to be home. A place that I always wanted to come back to. But now I am here, and it feels so empty. All that is left here are reminders of how things once were. I am too close to one thing that I can't have and everywhere I go I am reminded of that. It is frustrating to be the one with all the pain, struggling to hold on to the hope for things that lie ahead. I didn't choose for things to be this way. I didn't want this. It wasn't my actions that shattered your heart into a million pieces, yet I am the one suffering.

I came across a old receipt that had written on it a couple notes from relief society many months ago by an amazing sister back in LA. I had written on it the title of a talk from Elder Holland, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come". I got on the computer and looked it up. And the tears continued to stream down my cheeks. He says:

"...there is the promise of “good things to come.” My declaration is that this is precisely what the gospel of Jesus Christ offers us, especially in times of need. There is help. There is happiness. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. It is the Light of the World, the Bright and Morning Star, the “light that is endless, that can never be darkened.” It is the very Son of God Himself. In loving praise far beyond Romeo’s reach, we say, “What light through yonder window breaks?” It is the return of hope, and Jesus is the Sun. To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His “more excellent ministry” with a future of “better promises.” He is your “high priest of good things to come.”

I am not carrying this pain on my own. My Savior has been here before, he has walked this path and felt this pain. There is a plan and I have been promised good things and I will receive those good things. I will only have to bear this for a short time. I just have to Hold on.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Grateful For It

Grateful for portable heaters that I can move around my apartment with me to keep from freezing.

Grateful for my fam. Somehow I managed to get the best parents and siblings anyone could ask for. They are my rock.

Grateful for timing and how things always work out.

Grateful for my today's and that I am able to spend these last days with BJ. As hard as it may be it is a true blessing. She is a pillar of strength. She has experienced life to the fullest. She knows what she believes. She will spend her last days doing things for people. She knows forgiveness. She is thoughtful. I don't understand why people have to go through so much pain but she does it with grace and never fails to find reason to laugh. I have so much to learn.

Grateful for the sun shining.

Grateful for great ward leaders. No matter where I have been I have managed to be put in wards where the leaders are inspiring, encoufaging, and full of love.

Grateful for neighbors unsecured internet and the way it helps me to feel connected.

Grateful for my health. As I watch others striggle I realize I take it for granted.

Grateful for my ability to speak out although it isn't always very loud.

Grateful for knowledge. There is so much that I have learned that has changed my life for good. I am a better person because of what you have taught.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

A reminder

"Tragic or humorous is a matter of perspective"

Perspective changes everything.

Sometimes I forget this and think that things are just as I see them.

But I don't always see them for what they really are.

There is good in hard,
learning in silence,
strength in weakness,
flaws in perfection.

It is just a matter of how you look at it.

I just need to remember that.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

A few people I am missing today

It is a shame that we can't tuck a handful of people into our pocket to take with us on this walk of life. Too often we get to enjoy being together just long enough to make it painful to go without. Luckily paths will cross again but sometimes it's just not soon enough!