Sunday, May 24, 2009

Today



I am grateful for those brave soldiers who have sacrificed so much. I am grateful that my Great-Grandma Jensen was an example of a patriot. She loved her country and what it meant to be an American.

Today Americans across this great country will join together in remembering those American warriors—throughout our storied history—who gave their lives in defense of freedom. From the blood-soaked beaches of France to the bombed-out back-alleys of Fallujah, the American G.I. has fought—and died—opposing that which is evil and oppressive, and defending all things good and free.

Memorial Day is about one thing: remembering the fallen on the battlefield and passing their collective story to the next generation. These stories, and the men who bear them, are the backbone of this American experiment and must never be forgotten.

And this day, with America still at war, it is also fitting that we remember the soldiers currently serving in harms way. Because just one moment, one explosion, or one bullet separates Veterans Day from Memorial Day. Soldiers currently in Iraq and Afghanistan are fighting for our freedoms today, knowing it’s possible they may never see tomorrow. These troops—and their mission—deserve our support each day, and our prayers every night. May God watch over them—and their families; May He give them courage in the face of fear, and righteous might in the face of evil.

There are no words that can truly commemorate the heroism of these men. But one voice, in my opinion, comes closer than any other. During the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln had this to say about the men who had fought and died at the battle of Gettysburg.
“We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."


Almost 150 years later, the words of Lincoln still resonate. But it doesn’t take being Commander-in-Chief to honor the fallen. This Memorial Day, I hope you remember the brave men and women that have heroically served this nation, and perished on the battlefield. It is the duty of every American to ensure that they are never forgotten.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Now.

"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

Thomas S. Monson, "Finding Joy in the Journey," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 85

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Void

i have been back half a year. and i miss it like you wouldn't believe. when i was there i missed home. but i came home to find that "home" was different than i remembered it. my home moved 285 miles. its not the same. i am glad to be back with my family but it's not the "home" i missed. i didn't miss the house. i missed belonging, familiarity and having loved ones at hand. there is a different feeling here. i don't know my place in this town. 5 streets are starting to become familiar but beyond that is unknown. i am "home" yet i am still missing...

i miss living on the 3rd floor of barrington plaza. i miss being greeted by beltus-my crazy stalker/doorman each night. i miss my 4/5 roommates. i miss late night chats with some of my favorite girls. i miss our girl talk and learning from each others experience. i miss smelling floyd and frederick as i walked in the door. i miss our dirty carpet. i miss sleeping across from collette and (brianne, tiffany, doris, suzy, etc). i miss getting ready for church on sunday mornings with my church music blasting through the wall to our non-member neighbors. i miss the boys upstairs. and k-ball, greg and vic. i miss the ward out there. i miss bishop eastland. i miss l-z relief society. i miss the friends i made in that ward. i miss tiff, mehgan and kelly, lise and hannah. i miss riding the metro. i miss the array of smells on the bus. i miss running up to the bus as it pulled away. i miss cms. i miss the crazy people i worked with. i miss the talented people i got to meet and be influenced by. i miss sharing an office with leonard. i miss doing makeup.

i could go on for hours listing the things i miss. each thing i think of brings up something else. there is so much there that i will never have here. i can't wait to go back and visit. i can't wait to see those girls. i can't wait. hopefully i won't have to wait too long.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My Bucket List

Learn to whistle
Become fluent in another language
Buy a 'round the world ticket' to see the world
Travel with a humanitarian aide organization
Work in an orphanage
Dive with a Whale Shark

Skydive
Step foot on every continent
Ride a horse on the beach
Adopt a child
Drive a car on the wrong side of the road
Ride a camel
See a Zebra in the wild

Run a marathon
Save a life
Attend major sporting event (Superbowl, Olympics (not in Utah), etc)
Paint a portrait to hang on my wall
Swim with Dolphins
Be in the audience of Ellen
Cross a glacier on foot
Learn to play a musical instrument with some degree of skill
Grow a garden
Find a charity that I am truly passionate about and get involved
Scuba in the Great Barrier Reef
Go deep sea fishing
Learn to make sushi
Illustration for a childrens book
Fly a plane
Learn to Surf
Visit 7 wonders of the world

Ride something bigger than a horse
Visit a real blues bar in Chicago
Buy a boat
Learn to sail
Travel India by train
Bathe in the Ganges
Photograph an endangered species
Travel the Pacific Coast Highway by motorcycle
Experience Love Parade in Berlin
Make a difference

Win the lottery to make all this happen!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Coincidence or an answer?

Do Not Take Counsel from Your Fears

"I urge you to not take counsel of your fears. I hope you will not say, 'I'm not smart enough to study chemical engineering; hence, I'll study something less strenuous.' 'I can't apply myself sufficiently well to study this difficult subject or in this comprehensive field; hence, I'll choose the easier way.' I plead with you to choose the hard way and tax your talents. Our Heavenly Father will make you equal to your tasks. If one should stumble, if one should take a course and get less than the 'A' grade desired, I hope such a one will not let it become a discouraging thing to him. I hope that he will rise and try again."

Thomas S. Monson, "Decisions Determine Destiny," New Era, Nov. 1979, 8

Friday, March 20, 2009

Not very often...

but once in a while, I get angry.

Today is one of those days.

I am mad that I have been robbed of someone that can't be replaced.
I am angry that I have to wait a lifetime to be with him again.

I am angry cause I didn't get to say goodbye,
I am angry that he didn't tell me goodbye.

I am angry that I don't remember the last conversation we had.
The last conversation that I do remember having was a few days before, I think it was his birthday. He had just went to see Passion of the Christ. He didn't like the movie. "It was difficult to watch". We talked about the atonement.
He said he missed me and he loved me. That is the last conversation I remember vividly.

I didn't get to talk to him that last Saturday. I was working all day. He called once while I was at work and didn't leave a message. I wish he would have.

I am angry at Kristie for the way she has chosen to handle or rather not handle things since he left.
I am angry that it is "too painful for her".

I am angry that we spent that last few years so far apart.

I am angry because I felt cheated cause he missed my volleyball games, he didn't get to know my friends in high school or dance the "father daughter dance" at my junior prom.

I won't ever get a father daughter dance.

But I am really angry about the things that he is going to miss out on.

I am angry that I won't get to introduce him to the man I marry.
I am angry that he won't be there to threaten him when he asks me to be his wife.

I am angry that I won't get to call him when I find out I am pregnant with my first child.
I won't get to see he hold my babies and look at their toes.

I am angry that I won't get to watch him get old.
That he didn't get to live a full life and that was his choice.
I am angry that he was sick, and couldn't control his actions.

I hate that this "happened for a reason"
and that "this is the way things were suppose to end up".

I am angry that he loved us enough much to leave us.

I am angry because anger is part of the "process"
Why is this the first time in 5 years that I have felt this kind of anger?

I hate that I can't have all the answers now.

I have no problem talking about my dad to others, but I am angry that it is so painful to talk about him to the ones that share the pain.
I am angry that the only way I feel I can release all this anger right now is on the World Wide Web.

I am angry that love can cause so much pain.
I am angry that this pain is real.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Saturday, March 13th 2004

It's been 5 years.
Some days it feels like yesterday
Other days it feels like forever.

I remember that day all too clearly:

I was working at the Art Center still and we had a huge event that night. We had made 600 ham, turkey and roast beef sandwiches, 600 eclairs and 600 slices of cheesecake topped with cherries, raspberries, and blueberries. I was excited for this reception. The flowers were beautiful, and so was the grooms little brother.

I had just been on break with dani, kelsey, and maybe 2 other girls whose names I have forgotten.
I was wearing the "scream" tie. It matched my eyeshadow.

Carol and Steve were getting ready to leave. They were nervous that there wasn't enough food.

I looked at my phone and it was 7:24. Reception was to start in 6 minutes and people were already lining up. Instantly my stomach was in knots and I felt queasy and my head was spinning. Carol knew right away I wasn't feeling well and told me to go home.

I had been fine all day and wasn't sure why I suddenly felt so horrible. I hesitated to leave knowing the crowd that would be flooding the doors that night. I didn't want to leave them shorthanded, but Carol insisted. That is so not like Carol. I helped them get everything out and ready grabbed my stuff and left.

I decided to drive to Michelle's until I felt a little better. I text Jen and Kelly to see what they were up to. They were going to see "Secret Window" with Johnny Depp. I agreed to go. They said they would come meet me a
t Michelle's.

Katie had just gotten home from St. George so I gave her a call. She answered the phone and I knew immediately something was up. I asked her what was wrong and she insisted nothing was wrong, but I knew that wasn't true. She kept asking when I was coming home. I told her to tell me what was wrong. She asked where I was and if I was alone. Steph and her friend were there. She said she would tell me when I got home but I insisted she tell me right now. She choked up and barely got the words out of her mouth.

My heart sunk deep into my chest and I lost it. I dropped the phone on the kitchen floor and fell to my knees. I picked the phone up and handed it to Steph. I don't know what Katie told her. I could tell Steph and Aubrey were horrified. I got up and started wondering around. I didn't know what to do. I saw headlights pull into the driveway. I went outside and they saw I wasn't okay. Jen got out of the car and I fell to the ground. She just held me. I was so glad she was there. She understood the feelings I was having better than anyone I knew. They got me into their car and we headed to our apartment in Orem to be with Katie.

I sat with Katie while she made some other hard phone calls. Katie was so strong. She was there to comfort me and make me feel better when she was feeling the same things. She helped me find reasons to smile. I am so glad we were able to be together that night. The rest of the night and the many days that followed are a blur. It felt like a really long, bad dream and we were just wa
iting for it to end. Minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days.

Before that day I didn't know what it felt like to miss someone. I knew what it felt like to lose someone. I left all my friends just 4 years before that. I had grand parents that had passed on, but I had never felt a pain like that.

Every time March 13th comes around, I feel like "this year the pain will lessen".

But it doesn't.

Instead, I am overwhelmed by the things he is missing out on. Things that I won't get to share with him, physically. I know he is still here with me all the time, but it's not the same.

It will never be the same.


I try to recall all the memories. But so many of them don't come back to me. I wish I had payed more attention. I wished I had written in a journal. I wish I hadn't been so wrapped up in my life to care more about my family and remember the small things.

But I have lots of great memories, and everyday I see little reminders of him everywhere I go. We have lots of pictures that remind me.

I think of you everyday dad,
your big gentle hands, and the way you smelled.
I think of your laugh and how your eyes twinkled when you'd smile.
I think of your bald head and the way it dripped with sweat.
I think of the songs you'd sing as you'd cook holey-eggs while dancing in the kitchen.
The way you'd shake your glass of ice when you needed more water.
I think of you tying your shoes with your foot propped on your knee so the knot was always to the side.
I think of the way you loved to help people.
The way I would fall asleep in your arms nearly every night until I was at least 12.
You never passed a vehicle on the side of the road without stopping.
You always helped old women to their car when their legs weren't strong enough to carry them.
You held almost every baby in sight. And always made friends with the little kids sitting next to us in a restaurant.

You took pride in going over and cutting Grandma's toenails.
I don't think one night went by, ever, without calling to tell your parents goodnight.

I miss you more than you know and I am grateful for the example that you were.
So much of who I am is because of you.

I love you forever, I like you for always,
As long as I'm living my hero you'll be.