Father's Day Battle: Dreams VS. Reality

Today is one of the days that I dread each year as I have the last 8. It never gets easier. It is full of lots of emotion, memories, gratitude, pain, and love.  My emotions battle with each other. 

My dreams still wish him here. To answer all my questions, to pester me, to love on his sweet grand-daughter, to let me know that I am doing okay. To tell me he loves me each and every day, to go scuba diving in Catalina, to help me through school. To help me unfold my future, to meet the man that I will one day marry. To call each night as he did with his own parents. To bring out my inner child, to start water fights. To teach me how to make his peach cobbler, for summer BBQ's. To remind me that I am an example to people that look up to me. To remind me that I will always be his sunshine. To teach me that the worth of a man is determined by what he can do for those that can do nothing in return, and that forgiveness is one of the most important lessons you can learn. 

In reality, he is not here and I have to be reminded of that every day. And that hurts. On Father's day it hurts even more. But I have to celebrate because I have been blessed with an amazing man that never oversteps his role as my "other dad" He loves me like I am his own. He loves my Mama the way she deserves to be loved. He always knows just what to say to push me a little further, to see things a little clearer, and to believe in myself a little bit more. He teaches me that if I want something different I have to do something different. He is self-less, loyal, and hard-working. Everything a person could want in a father- whether biologically or not. He is nothing like my dad, except that he is an equally amazing father. I wouldn't trade him for any other "other dad" in the world.

It is a confusing, difficult, overwhelming amount of emotion. 

Unraveling

For no good reason.

Maybe its because you seem so happy

Maybe its because I miss you so intensely that it physically hurts

Maybe its because little has seemed right since you left

Maybe its because I know I will never hear your voice again

Maybe its because I can't change what is

Maybe its because I can't change what is not

Maybe its because I have lost hope

Maybe its because I am just impatient

Maybe its because I know now what I blatantly ignored before

Maybe its because I am weak

Maybe its because it isn't time

Maybe its because I made the wrong choice

Maybe its because I missed my mark

Maybe its because I am so confused

Maybe its because everyone has the one thing I want most

Maybe its because I'm a pessimist

Maybe its because I'm a realist

Maybe its because I expect to much

Maybe its because I just don't get it

But then again maybe not

Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them

Olivia

Almost 3 weeks ago, one of our biggest fears became a reality when my sweet niece Olivia, who has a rare chromosome disorder which makes her susceptible to eye tumors, was diagnosed with retinoblastoma (eye cancer). Last week she had her left eye removed. We are waiting for her pathology report to come back to find out if the cancer has spread and whether or not chemo is going to be in her future.

These last few weeks have been full of tears, sadness, anger, hope, faith, generosity, excitement, gratitude, and peace.

To watch this little girl take on a single day is inspiring. Only 4 days after a surgery that has forever changed her life and she is back to the same old Liv. She is HAPPY. She is SILLY. She is full of energy and LIFE.
This journey is far from over, but I KNOW that this is how she will be through whatever lies ahead. She is STRONG and she is bravBRAVE. It is just WHO SHE IS.

You can follow her journey through her blog 13 pavements
there is also a blog for donations and the fundraisers that have been set up on Love 4 Livi

Little Squish, you are brave, and you are smart. You inspire all who know you and know your story. You will triumph and you will touch many lives. You bring happiness into my life and to everyone around you. I love you more than you know. You have an AMAZING mother. At such a young age, I can already see that you have many of her qualities. You couldn't have been blessed with better parents. You will get through this journey together. Thank you for being such an inspiration. I love you baby girl.

My Mama

My sister said it best.

Our Mom is pretty great. And sometimes I take her for granted.

I love her more than she knows. I miss her more than she realizes.

I become more and more grateful for her and the example that she is everyday.

"I will love you for ever, I will like you for always.

As long as I am living my Mama you'll be."

Fog

I don't know what it is.
Maybe its the weather
Maybe its this place
it could be several things.

I wish the fog would clear itself, but I don't think it will.

I have been surrounded by it for too long now.
It's heavy and it makes me tired.
It makes me blue.
Maybe it is here to stay for good.
I hope not.

It makes me miss you and that is never good.
I don't know how to rid myself of this fog
so for now I will just believe it will go.

New...

day.

month.

year.

shoes.

school.

job.

hope.

Strength

I have a list

25 does not sound appealing. Not right now anyway.
I don't feel ready. Good thing I have a year.
But a year will go by FAST.

There are things you are "supposed" to do by the time you are 25.
I haven't done them.

Yes, I have "done" things, but I haven't accomplished much. Not the things that are important.
I don't have complete control.
I don't like that.
So I made a list.

A list of things that I want to complete by 25.
You might say some things on this list are "not important" but they are things I feel are necessary.

What's on this list?
Well, you will have to wait until I report on each of the items as they are completed.

Wish me luck!

Infinite Power of Hope

Miss Livi is here!

a week late but...


Miss Olivia Jane was born on August 30, 2009 at 2:42 AM
Weighing in at only 8 lbs. 1 oz.
(pretty average size but tiny when you are expecting a good 9 or 10 pounder)
and 21 inches long.

Her parents couldn't be more blessed.
She couldn't be more beautiful.
She couldn't be any more perfect.

We couldn't be any more excited!
This little girl couldn't be any more loved!

This man...

brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. He has been on my mind a lot lately. He is struggling and he is in pain. I hate the thought of what he is going through. I hate the C word and I hate that it keeps coming back to torture our family. It is ugly. It is mean. It is not fair.

This man is a fighter and I hope he will keep fighting. He is an important piece to our family puzzle. He makes time spent together that much better. His love for life and adventure is infectious. He has been counting down the days for Leslie to be better so he can go on another cruise. I hope that it does not have to be postponed for long.

This man is the most gentle, hard working, simple, and loving man I have ever known. He defines the phrase Hark worker, it shows on his strong and gentle hands. He delights in many small things that often would go unnoticed. He could stand outside for hours just looking at his beautiful garden, watch as the water is pumped onto his green grass, or enjoying every bite of his cinnamon roll.

I love this man and I am so grateful for the ways I have seen him grow and open up as our grandpa. I love sitting next to him holding his hand as we watch all that is going on around us. And I always look forward to hugging him and hearing him say the words "I love you Hay bug".

I love you Gramps and we are all fighting with you and for you! See you soon!

If...

You break a mirror into a million tiny little pieces
and manage to piece it all back together
will it ever be the same?

Team 50

There was no better way to celebrate Lester's 50th Birthday
to celebrate her strength, courage, and hope than at the Relay for Life.

There was so much excitement in the 3 weeks of preparation for this party.
And with the help of many of her closest family and friends it was a HUGE success.
There were times that we were certain she knew that something was going on...

But as she rounded the corner and saw over 100 black t-shirts waiting to wish her a happy birthday it was clear that it was indeed a surprise.

Grandpa met Leslie with open arms and together they finished the Survivor lap.

at 11:45 PM Team 50 got on our party hats and walked the Birthday Lap.

I had never participated in Relay for Life and it exceeded all expectations.
It was one of the best experiences I have ever had.
It was happy, peaceful, exciting, you could feel the strength from all the people there showing love and support for their loved ones in the battle. It was devastating to see how many lives in one small community are effected by this ugly thing. It was great to see everyone come together.

Leslie deserved to have a great day and I think that is what she got.
She needed to see just how many people are fighting with her, who love her and believe in her.
No one is more loved or more deserving.

Friends, the Fourth and Fireworks

I had a great time in LA, celebrating birthdays and Independence, playing like children and eating great food, laughing and reminiscing, watching the sunset and fireworks, sailing and pirate names, sun burn and sunscreen, eating frozen yogurt and funnel cake, ski ball and face painting.

The first night was the big surprise. We had planned to keep my visit there a secret since I was coming the day of Amy's birthday. We thought it would be fun to have me show up to dinner without her knowing I was coming. That morning she decided she would just meet Tiffany for frozen yogurt early before heading to have dinner and spend the evening with her family. We called to let her dad in our plan and it all went down hill from there. After too much confusion and frustration we opted to drive to her dad's house to surprise her and it ended up working out alright. Amy was surprised.

We started her "27th" birthday celebration with dinner at Buca di Beppo in Santa Monica.
After dinner we headed down to the pier for a little ski ball and funnel cake.

The next day we headed to Hermosa Beach for a day in the sun.
We didn't let the lack of sunshine stop us from having a good time.
We swam, did crosswords, flew kites and made sand"castles".
We were glad we had taken a picture of our sand castle because not 5 minutes after stepping away we watched in horror as a little 5 year old stomped it to the ground.
Sad Day!

These are the sweet shells Amy received in her Bag O' Fun.

We woke up bright and early to head to the 4th of July parade in Huntington Beach.
It was a beautiful day. The parade consisted of a billion boy scouts, brave men and women that fight for our country and lots of marching bands.

After the parade ended we headed down to find some good eats and then took a nap on the beach before heading up to Marina Del Rey to go sailing.

Sailing was everything we hoped it to be and more. It was the perfect way to end a beautiful day. James took 10 girls out on the water all by himself. He was more nervous than we were. We BBQ'd steak and watched the sunset on the water and then tried to keep warm as we waited for the fireworks to start.

It was worth the wait. I have never seen a more beautiful fireworks show.

Cheers to a perfect 4th of July!

Happy Fathers Day...

to all the fathers in my life.

I have been blessed with great men in my life. Men that I know I was meant to learn and grow from. To have around at the times when my own Dad wasn't around.

The bishops of my singles wards, such great men. Bishop Brown, Bishop Lamereaux and Bishop Eastland- are some of the greatest men I know. They are inspired. They are uplifting and knew what I needed and just how to say it. I have been blessed by their example and their love. Happy Father's Day!

EJ Corry, Allen Olsen, and Brian Seitzinger- other "dads" that have been there for me, setting great examples, welcoming me into their homes, and giving me blessings and guidance when I needed it most. Happy Father's Day.

Dan. I couldn't have picked a greater man to walk with us, to love us and to care for us just as my own Dad would have done. He gives unselfishly, wants nothing but happiness for us. He wants to make our dreams a reality, for us to believe in ourselves, and to love ourselves and get everything we deserve.

Happy Father's Day!

My Dad. I still miss you. I am so grateful that I got you for my Dad. Even though it was only for a short while. I am who I am because of you. I am better because of you. I am grateful for your example and that I am not a daughter of a father who's love I have to question. I KNOW you loved me and my sisters more than anything. But I hate that you are gone. My heart aches for you. To feel your arms wrap tightly around me. To hold your big hard working hands. To see your big wide smile across your face every time you saw one of your girls, a little baby or a sweet old lady. To hear your voice belting out songs about bull-legged women. To fall asleep in your arms. To hear you snoring. To hear you say "I love you" just one more time. I need you.

Happy Father's Day!

Opposition

"The Lord's way is not hard. Life is hard, not the gospel. 'There is an opposition in all things' (2 Nephi 2:11), everywhere, for everyone. Life is hard for all of us, but life is also simple. We have only two choices (see Moroni 7:15–17). We can either follow the Lord and be endowed with His power and have peace, light, strength, knowledge, confidence, love, and joy, or we can go some other way, any other way, whatever other way, and go it alone—without His support, without His power, without guidance, in darkness, turmoil, doubt, grief, and despair. And I ask, which way is easier?"

Lawrence E. Corbridge, "The Way," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 36

My summer playlist

Kings of Leon

Parachute


Mat Kearney


Matt Nathanson


Tegan and Sara


Dave Matthews Band


Shinedown-Second Chance

Jodi Picoult

I did something I don't do very often.

I read a book. From start to finish. My sisters might joke that I don't know how to read.

Might not seem that big of an accomplishment but it is. And I loved it. Although I come from long line of readers, somehow I missed out on that trait.

The only book I actually read all the way through as a school assignment was The Client. Since high school I can probably count all the books I have read on 2 hands.

Reading just isn't my thing. Once in a while I will "crave" a good book so I will find something to read and I will start. I get easily distracted by other things going on around me or the thoughts in my head. Sometimes I get bored and skip to the next page. Often I don't make it to the last page.

I read the Twilight series. The first book was a breeze, I finished the 2nd but I struggled to make it through 3 and 4 and I loved the books and characters. But I struggled.

I have seen previews for My Sisters Keeper that comes out in a couple weeks. I remembered seeing the book while browsing Barnes and Noble.

I decided I wanted to read the book before the movie came out. LOVED IT! I read every work on every page. Jodi Picoult is a great writer. My Sisters Keeper is a great book. And I cant wait to see the movie although, I anticipate that it will not be as good as the book was.

I like books that are real. Ones that make you question yourself and your beliefs; Make you wonder what you would do in that situation and open your eyes to issues that are going on in the world. Picoult writes about a lot of different social issues (genetic engineering, suicide, rape, the death penalty, school shootings, wrongful birth, etc.) Her books are heavy, difficult and captivating. I picked up my 2nd book of hers The Pact I hope this one is as good as the last.

Today

I am grateful for those brave soldiers who have sacrificed so much. I am grateful that my Great-Grandma Jensen was an example of a patriot. She loved her country and what it meant to be an American.

Today Americans across this great country will join together in remembering those American warriors—throughout our storied history—who gave their lives in defense of freedom. From the blood-soaked beaches of France to the bombed-out back-alleys of Fallujah, the American G.I. has fought—and died—opposing that which is evil and oppressive, and defending all things good and free.

Memorial Day is about one thing: remembering the fallen on the battlefield and passing their collective story to the next generation. These stories, and the men who bear them, are the backbone of this American experiment and must never be forgotten.

And this day, with America still at war, it is also fitting that we remember the soldiers currently serving in harms way. Because just one moment, one explosion, or one bullet separates Veterans Day from Memorial Day. Soldiers currently in Iraq and Afghanistan are fighting for our freedoms today, knowing it’s possible they may never see tomorrow. These troops—and their mission—deserve our support each day, and our prayers every night. May God watch over them—and their families; May He give them courage in the face of fear, and righteous might in the face of evil.

There are no words that can truly commemorate the heroism of these men. But one voice, in my opinion, comes closer than any other. During the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln had this to say about the men who had fought and died at the battle of Gettysburg.

“We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Almost 150 years later, the words of Lincoln still resonate. But it doesn’t take being Commander-in-Chief to honor the fallen. This Memorial Day, I hope you remember the brave men and women that have heroically served this nation, and perished on the battlefield. It is the duty of every American to ensure that they are never forgotten.